Need some help!!!

kab3261 · Post by **kab3261** » Tue Mar 01, 2011 8:42 pm

This help isn't for me, but I'm looking for info for my step-son. As his Dad (my husband) puts it.... his son is a little over weight due to eating at the wrong time of day. My stepson, who I care very much about, is about 5'10 or 11 and pushing around 460 lbs.. I was wondering if there are any known programs in the USA that fund surgery (he has no medical insurance) to help with weight loss ( gastric bypass or banding). There are so many links that it is hard to decide if they are legit or not.

I'm not sure if step-son is willing to do what he needs to to loose the weight. And, I also know that HE is the only one who can make it happen. I am so worried that with his ever increasing weight he will die from this, and if I can at least point him in the right direction, I will have done as much as I can do.

We live in the NH, USA area. Any info I can get on this would be so helpful. I know, as I'm sure he does, that the "secret" to weight loss is to eat less and exercise more. He seems to feel that the "answer" is to get on "Biggest Looser." The thing is, there is no magic pill that will fix his dangerously un-healthy weight problem, except what he pulls from with-in himself.

Thank you in advance for any info you can give me on the procedure, as well as avenues he might take.
Karen

xshawnxearthx · Post by **xshawnxearthx** » Wed Mar 02, 2011 12:14 am

Start slowly by cleaning up his diet. If he has no choice but to eat better food because that's what his parents buy, that's what he'll eat. Have him go for walks at first, just to ease into the exercise. I'd then work on Body weight exercises. They are free and can be done anywhere.

Oscar_Actuary · Post by **Oscar_Actuary** » Wed Mar 02, 2011 1:03 am

I imagine at 460 lbs, body weight exercises would not be the place to start.

I'd probably try to figure out why he wants to be fat. Obviously, presuming it's not a medical condition, no one gets that big who is dealing with life in a healthy way.

That's just my layman's diagnosis.

Is he living on his own?

ETA:
By your careful phrasing, his dad sounds like an enabler/denier.

Post by **stuward** » Wed Mar 02, 2011 5:37 am

Going on the Biggest Loser is not the answer as you know. I'm not convinced surgery is either. The true answer is behaviour modification and that's hard. It's also expensive. Someone 460 lbs can't do it on his own. You're going to have to find a way of getting him treatment.

robertscott · Post by **robertscott** » Wed Mar 02, 2011 7:24 am

I would have to agree with Oscar's comment about the dad being an enabler. I really don't mean any offence but if he thinks that he is "a little overweight due to eating at the wrong time of day," then you will have to work hard to change the father's attitude as well as the son's.

Although we here on the forum (not so much me, I have no experience with this sort of thing) will do our best to help and support you, this really is beyond the help of an internet forum. Aside from telling you to clean up his diet, there's not much else we can tell you.

Best of luck though, if you can get him to shed the weight you'll dramatically improve his life

RobertB · Post by **RobertB** » Wed Mar 02, 2011 8:01 am

If there was an agree/disagree button I wouldn't have posted, just clicked some of the above posts. I think that, although I/we are happy to help and listen to such questions, we have to be humble enough to acknowledge most of us haven't had to deal with this situation and would feel uncomfortable giving direct advice.

Clearly any steps will prove massivley benneficial, and the obvious areas are psychological/diet/exercise. ANY of the above which can be maintained routinely will scale the issue down - I haven't got the slightest clue where lines are drawn for surgery so with the old saying... I'm not touching that with a 10ft pole.

I used to be overweight/unfit in my mid teens and the biggest step for me in terms of minimal effort/big result is no big pop/soda bottles - it's horrific stuff in large quantities and wrecks metabolisms/eating habits and it becomes so easy to take a 2 litre (70 fl.oz..? not sure what Americans call 2 litre bottles :) ) from the fridge twice a day. The amount of sugar is mind blowing compared to what I consume these days.

Stephen Johnson · Post by **Stephen Johnson** » Wed Mar 02, 2011 8:55 am

@kab3261:

Overeaters Anonymous conducts numerous meetings in numerous localities across NH. You can find one near youat this link.

I'm convinced that your step-son has to become involved in some sort of program to have a shot at success in losing weight. Badgering him hasn't worked in the past, and probably won't work in the future.

Stephen Johnson · Post by **Stephen Johnson** » Wed Mar 02, 2011 8:58 am

RobertB wrote:it becomes so easy to take a 2 litre (70 fl.oz..? not sure what Americans call 2 litre bottles :) )

A two liter bottle.

On a serious note, good that you point out the role sodas play in weight gain. Here in NYC, there's a campaign "Are You Pouring On The Pounds" that warns of the danger of swigging too much soda.

KPj · Post by **KPj** » Wed Mar 02, 2011 10:02 am

I've had to deal with a couple of people (literally, 2) in that kind of weight range. I have to agree with RobertB in that it's a different ball game. I didn't feel comfortable with it because to me it was clear that it wasn't a straight forward case of cleaning up the diet and moving around more. However, regardless of what the solution is, cleaning up the diet and moving around more will be a BIG part of it so don't give up on this approach.

I think there is a huge psychological aspect in this case. I'm not qualified in that sense but, through experience with family and childhood in general, I'm reasonably confident that I can tell when this is the case. Which is exactly why I don't feel comfortable dealing with it (yet).

Also, an Aunt of mine was around that weight. In the last year she has dropped 112lbs. She stays in quite far away from me and I don't see her much, so I don't know many details. However, she said there were 2 main aspects to finally dealing with it,

She was in great danger of becoming immobile, as she was having a lot of trouble just moving around to do daily tasks, which was a particular problem as quite a successful and driven "career women". This and, in her words, "dealing with my relationship with food". Part of her progress has been seeing a counsellor. I know she was pretty much put on a liquid diet (supplements) for a while. This sounds brutal but it's allegedly a good way of helping get over food cravings. That's literally all I know, clearly it was a sensitive subject so I never went into it much. However, she has a new lease of life now and the progress she has made and without surgery is amazing.

I think the long and short of it is, some outside help is going to be needed. It's definitely beyond an internet forum. I would however be curious on Ironmans thoughts on this. Plus, Jason Nunn if he sees it as he is an experiences trainer and may have dealt with similar (i'm a new trainer, and still part time at that...)

KPj

Post by **Jungledoc** » Wed Mar 02, 2011 4:52 pm

Has your stepson HIMSELF expressed an interest in losing the weight?

Jebus · Post by **Jebus** » Wed Mar 02, 2011 5:20 pm

I wish Governments knew what was healthy and taxed unhealthy food.

How old is your step son? I'm guessing dad buys his food, in that case you need to tell him to make smart choices on what he buys. The father should also be a role model for him by making the same decision that his son should make.

kab3261 · Post by **kab3261** » Thu Mar 03, 2011 11:41 am

My step son is 30 and lives on his own. I know that no one can make someone do something. He would like to loose weight, but he really loves to eat. I've been to buffets with him and he will usually fill three plates about 4 inches high... then have dessert.

He is such a nice person and does feel badly about himself. I so don't want anything to happen to him. I think my husband does know how serious his sons weight is, but its hard for him to admit it.
Thanks so much for all your replies
Karen

Oscar_Actuary · Post by **Oscar_Actuary** » Thu Mar 03, 2011 12:06 pm

kab3261 wrote:My step son is 30 and lives on his own. I know that no one can make someone do something. He would like to loose weight, but he really loves to eat. I've been to buffets with him and he will usually fill three plates about 4 inches high... then have dessert.

Karen

you need "to get real" Stop thinking he wants to lose weight.

I'll always remember my 7th grade teacher Mrs Chandler, who said "You are what you want to be". In essence, people will say "I'd like to give more to charity / I'd like to spend more time with my children / I'd like to lose weight"... but actually, you'd prefer to keep the money, spend more time without the kids, and pile on the food. But you just want others to think better of you. I've struggled with not being depressed for a few years in my life (not now) and facing the fact that you really prefer "to suck at life" can be a harsh reality.

One day, hopefully, you step son will wake up and say "What the heck..what in the world was I thinking all these years. No chocolate creampie in the world tastes good enough to do this to my body. I am ready to win!" (that's a bit of Charlie Sheen there)

For someone to be 400 lbs. They were 300 lbs too, and kept going. I should weigh about 220 with some muscle. I was over 300 lbs when that above statement hit me. People did not know I used to be 185 lbs, 32" waste 6' 3". To them I was 300 lbs grey haired fatty. We see your step son the same way. He on the other hand, knows each pound.

Sorry, I'm not adding any thing that will help you. He has to reach that point assuming he will ever want to.

NightFaLL · Post by **NightFaLL** » Thu Mar 03, 2011 12:29 pm

I have to agree, as well, I always 'wanted' to lose weight when I was over 300lbs - but I never really changed anything until I literally hit rock bottom (Depression, heavy drinking, etc.). (Not because of my weight, because of other outside issues).

I essentially realized, however, that my depression over other things was indirectly related to the fact I was over weight. I had tried many times before, with the help of others, to lose weight - but the fact is, until I really wanted to do it, it wasn't going to happen.

But you know what happens when you really really want to do it? It becomes easy. I lost 100lbs like it was nothing because I was so motivated.

How that'll help him, I don't know. I just know people do things when they want to, not when others try to push them.

Post by **Ironman** » Fri Mar 04, 2011 6:13 am

Stephen Johnson wrote:@kab3261:

Overeaters Anonymous conducts numerous meetings in numerous localities across NH. You can find one near youat this link.

I'm convinced that your step-son has to become involved in some sort of program to have a shot at success in losing weight. Badgering him hasn't worked in the past, and probably won't work in the future.

That's the advice you need right there. I think he has an eating disorder too. He needs help for that.